Psychiatrists: Lessons For Parents From Horrific Cleveland Kidnappings

Ariel Castro appears in Cleveland Municipal court on Thursday. Castro was charged with four counts of kidnapping and three counts of rape after three women missing for about a decade and one of their young daughters were found alive at his home earlier in the week. (Tony Dejak/AP)

Ariel Castro appears in Cleveland Municipal court on Thursday. Castro was charged with four counts of kidnapping and three counts of rape after three women missing for about a decade and one of their young daughters were found alive at his home earlier in the week. (Tony Dejak/AP)

The news out of Cleveland this week of three young women held captive for a decade of physical, sexual and psychic abuse horrified the world. For parents, the news provoked perhaps a more targeted kind of fear, and raised one of the most fraught questions in parenting: How can we instill in our kids street smarts and an instinct to detect danger without leaving them terrified and fearful of the world? For some answers, we paged child psychiatrists Gene Beresin and Steven Schlozman, both at Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard Medical School. Here is their professional response:

Every parent has said it: “Now, kids…don’t talk to strangers.”

It’s good advice. However, given the recent horrific events in Cleveland, some parents might very appropriately worry that this particular bit of wisdom is due for re-evaluation. After all, it appears all three young women kidnapped and held hostage for the past decade got into a car with their tormenter. He was known in the neighborhood, after all, and his own daughter was friends with one of the victims.

This is, of course, an extreme example of a particular narrative that we hear repeatedly these days. “We can’t let our kids play outside like we used to — the world has changed too much.”

But where does that leave us? What do we say to our children as we struggle to maintain the shaky balance between ensuring safety and also teaching independence and reasonable trust in the world and in our communities?

This is among the most vexing questions of modern parenthood. We certainly don’t want our kids to see a trusted uncle or coach as a potential villain – that would create an emotionally untenable world where all individuals, no matter how well known, are deemed potentially dangerous.

And yet, the alleged perpetrator in Cleveland was the father of one of the prisoner’s close friends. How do we deal with this dilemma?

There is of course no perfect or straightforward answer. Events like those in Cleveland are indeed extremely rare. Understandable media attention can create the impression that the world is in fact far worse than it actually is. At the same time, though, we have to find a way to increase awareness among our children of the potential dangers inherent in our world.

Know Your Child

So, for children of all ages, what can we do to?

Remember that every child is different; the way you present your words of safety needs therefore to be tailored to your individual child. So, the first principle is to know your child. Parents are good at this. In most cases, no one knows a kid better than the kid’s parents. There are 8-year-olds who will not be particularly bothered that even a well-known neighbor might have somewhat sketchy “issues.” And there are 12-year-olds who will freak out, have nightmares and feel that he or she can never trust anyone ever again.

After you’ve determined how your child will likely respond to the topic, use your own parental modeling and other examples about how good people treat each other: “You know how Coach Bill made you feel better after you missed that goal?” You might say, “Well, he’s a great guy.”

Managing Anxiety

These conversations provide the groundwork for helping kids to be mindful and discriminating. Kids learn to trust their instincts based on the instincts that you model.

Remember that your non-verbal manner is often as powerful as your words. If you are telling your children that they are safe and at the same time you’re really worried and upset about potential harm, they’ll pick up on your anxiety. Try to be aware of your inner feelings while you are talking to your kids and help keep the feelings you experience and what you express to your children emotionally consistent.

What does this mean developmentally? For an older teen, it might be very much like the guidance of a trusted mentor. For school-age children, however, it may be best not to talk with them about how safe the world is when you are fraught with worries.

Remember, we cannot prevent all dangers or harm to our kids. We can do our best to educate them, to improve their awareness of the world, and to teach and then allow them to trust their “gut reactions” as well as rely on others for feedback. It is of course terribly hard to live with the uncertainties in life. The alternative, though, is not possible. We can’t allow our kids the fantasy that we have mastered uncertainty. Instead, we want our kids to expect and prepare for uncertainty. In this light, our own parental anxieties are often alleviated by guidance and comfort from other parents.

Different Advice For Different Ages

1. Pre-school Kids

Young children should generally know that they should never be alone, walk with or talk with strangers no matter how nice they seem. They are far too young to know the intentions of others or to trust any internal instincts. Kids this age need fixed, concrete rules

They need to be told that if any adult tries to take them alone someplace without asking mom, dad or the adult in charge, the answer is “no.” This will not be hard for them to understand; they typically need permission for almost everything they do.

It is also not too early to start talking with younger kids about the kinds of things kids, teens and adults do to play with children – the kinds of games that are “good” and “fun” and the ones that are not. This is also the time to ask them about touching, tickling, and other physical contact, particularly touching their “private parts”.

2. School-age Kids

This group knows more about the dangers in the world. They also are “rule bound” and need some specific guidelines about what to do and not to do. At the same time, they are clearly more “on their own” though still in “well-protected” environments. Sports teams, playdates and sleep-overs and after-school programs are all examples of the increased but controlled autonomy of the school-aged child. They are more advanced than pre-school kids, but still really don’t know yet how to detect whether another person, older kid or adult, might harbor dangerous motives. They tend to be trusting, particularly of people they know.

They also should be told that if they are going out, they should go with a friend and the destination should be a place parents know. For example, if you’re out at a restaurant, and your daughter and her friend want to go next door to the toy store, and you know the owner of the toy store, this may be just fine. You should let them know you are right there next to them.

This is a great age to begin talking to children about the emerging paradox that is central to these issues: The world is generally a safe place, but there are also adults who might not be as nice as they seem.

Give concrete examples: “Remember you thought your day camp counselor, Gary, was really nice, and then he started choosing favorites and picked on other kids?” Or closer to home: “Now remember how nice cousin Frank is until he starts getting into fights with dad and has a really bad temper?” These kinds of very simple vignettes help school-aged kids to begin to see that what appears one way, at first, may not be so good in other situations.

3. Teenagers

Teens increasingly have the capacity to understand that behaviors may be deceptive – that motives, even negative ones, may be hidden. They may have been deceived or betrayed by a friend or relative and they are often able and willing to talk about these issues. Perhaps they’ve experienced this all-too-common phenomenon: They may have been friends with someone on Facebook when suddenly their supposed “friend” makes nasty comments about them and they then lose their other “friends.”

It’s all the more important to have conversations with adolescents about the nature, course, and variability in relationships. But keep in mind that teens have a knack for listening when they want to, so choose your moments carefully. Share your own experiences – how you made and lost friends; how your friends earned and lost your trust. This will deepen their awareness of others, and also help build up their internal instincts about trusting or being wary of others’ intentions.

And, depending on your personal preference and your understanding of your child’s tolerance, you could watch some of the news together. Teenagers are old enough to process pretty terrible circumstances, and indeed they might sense your censorship of the news as a sign that you are not ready to address important topics. With this in mind, make the news into a discussion. How could these young teens get into that car? What would you have done?

Young teens pose difficult problems. Many early adolescents feel invulnerable and often do not have the judgment to discern safety. Take the 13-year-old who wants to ride the subway into town with a friend. Would you allow this? This is a personal and individual decision, and there are cogent arguments for both allowing and preventing these kinds of ventures.

Regardless, this desire by your teenager is an important signal: it means the time is coming when she and her friends are going to need some pretty concrete ground rules. Give them a cell phone if you can. Tell them you need to know where they are. These rules must be discussed in advance, and when your daughter comes home, it is probably a good idea to have a discussion of what happened, what went well, and what could have gone wrong.

Tough, But Critical, Topics

As always, guidelines for talking to teenagers cannot be rigidly codified. These are terribly fraught conversations to have, particularly because we have our own fears about their safety.

However, think of this as an ongoing, long-term process that is intended to help kids learn how to live with uncertainty and to minimize risk.

We want our kids to be cautiously curious about relationships, to avoid blind acceptance, and above all, to trust their emotional reactions in social situations. It’s a process, and that process is especially important to remember when horrendous news emerges.

Gene Beresin, M.D., is a child psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School; Steven Schlozman, M.D. is an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and a staff child psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital. Readers, can you add to this list? Please post or ask questions below, or tweet Dr. Beresin at @GeneBeresinMD or Dr. Schlozman at @zombieautopsies.

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  • Paul Marado

    I Just heard a story on Sunday edition. Npr told me we have to humanize the Boston bombers. Will we humanize the kidnapper of the three ladies and father of the child? He wasn’t always doing bad things. Go ahead tell me how this is different.

  • Steven Schlozman

    Dear Readers – first, thanks for your comments on this post. It is obviously and understandably an issue about which smart and well meaning people are bound to endure disagreements. That’s good – dialogue is better than not talking. (I know – now I REALLY sound like a psychiatrist.) All Gene and I can do is offer what we think is the best guidance on these matters. This certainly isn’t the first time we’ve been asked to comment on these matters.

    But here, I’d like to address the assumption of “weirdness” that seems, again understandably, to follow around my twitter name (or twitter handle? – I am too much of social media neophyte to know the proper term). Here’s the scoop – I tend to eschew twitter. Hard for me to imagine, again as a psychiatrist I suppose, what good I might offer with the pithy limitations of twitter’s format. Still, I wrote a novel. When you write a novel and someone publishes it, the publisher wants you to have a twitter name that refers to the novel. The novel stemmed not from my desire to be seen as weird (though I don’t particularly mind that designation); instead, it stemmed from my desire to add a tincture of profundity to what might at first glance be seen as a mindless popular culture phenomenon (zombies) I also can see how that particular twitter name might lead some to misunderstand my job (child psychiatrist) and my avocation (writer) as uncomfortably intertwined. I will work on getting a new twitter name designated simply as Steve Schlozman. As my publisher set up my first twitter account, I am afraid I will have to consult with someone born after 1985 to figure out how to get a new one going. (Or, gasp, read the directions.) Nevertheless, I apologize to anyone who might have taken offense at the seemingly untoward nam of my twitter designation.

    Best Regards,

    Steven Schlozman

  • Iceland_1622

    I see that the psychiatrists are still out of touch with reality on this complex and nunace subject. “Don’t talk to strangers” was debunked long ago as not grouned in reality i.e. “don’t talk to the fireman trying to enter your burning house or car” etc. however I will leave all of that to others to parse. What might be important to read is this one artilce on the actualities of child abductions by so called ‘strangers’ and what the reality factors actually are, as in all honesty I have called CPS on more than three women in my own neighborhood alone here as per all sorts of serious child endangerment, including leaving a child in a parked SUV in the heat in the damn red zone ( dial 911 for that BTW. ) and most women still hit their children, but have become more cagey about it now. At least we have made monumental progress there or so I hope? Anyhow here is the article and some small reality on all of this:

    “Five Myths about Missing Children”

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/five-myths-about-missing-children/2013/05/10/efee398c-b8b4-11e2-aa9e-a02b765ff0ea_story.html?hpid=z3

  • Dirty Cossack

    Military SERE (Survive, Evade, Resist, Escape) training.

  • Paul Marado

    Have visitation rights been established for his daughter yet? He is still the girls dad.

    • NR

      Uh, yes his daughter…from a woman that he kidnapped, raped and tormented. The last thing anyone should be concerned about are his “visitation rights.” The absurdity.

      • Paul Marado

        Is it to late to have an abortion? She was raped and forced to have the child. I’m just making a point. In this case the child is embraced and celebrated. What about all the other babies that are killed everyday? Liberals will tell you rape requires abortion. A woman’s reproductive rights were denied. It’s just another double standard. What type of birth is acceptable for the liberals?

        • hmmm

          What a bizarre non sequitur. Why are you so much more interested in the rapist’s rights than in the victim’s rights?

          • Paul Marado

            Listen to npr…you’ll learn how liberals always take the side of the perp…in these type of cases

  • John Tod

    EXCUSE ME!
    This guy wasn’t a stranger to the two younger girls!
    He was a family friend.
    Both girls had seen him before, many times.
    He played in a band at one of the girls uncles place or something like that.

    I apologize I didn’t even read this article all the way because I felt most of with was crap, that didn’t pertain to this case!

  • Jeff Smith

    Along with the other excellent suggestions, I recommend parents enroll their children, along with themselves, in a reality-based self-defense course, one that teaches students the necessity to fight for their lives and gives them the tools to do it.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Chas-Young/1176519535 Chas Young

      Self-defense training is a good idea for building confidence. However, it is pretty much useless in physical defense unless the child becomes capable of inflicting pain or damage on an attacker who is typically much bigger and stronger. This level of ability takes discipline and a long time. This is not to discourage self-defense training, but to set realistic expectations.

  • Pedobear

    But what if they have free candy written on their van?

  • kc in spb

    I love the discussion about these issues in context of the true threats (and hidden dangers of safety-first thinking) on the free range kids blog. Her post about these kidnappings is here: http://www.freerangekids.com/the-kidnapped-girls-in-cleveland-horrifying-and-rare/

  • homebuilding

    exactly, dusty !
    As for me and my household, the kids will be fit and able to run home and will be taught to recognize weirdness: Dr. Schlozman appears to be fully qualified

  • dust truck

    @zombieautopsies.?? Okayyy….